the most wonderful time of the year

Winter is quickly ushering its way into our lives! We just had our first snowfall! Now, I know it only lasted about 10 or 15 minutes with itty bitty snowflakes but I loved every second of it. Good things can happen this time of the year. Everybody is just a little bit different and I love it. I'm a huge romantic so forgive how this statement reeks of romantic energy but... snow makes everything more magical. I heard that somewhere once and I think I agree with it. And I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking so. I prefer to be optimistic and hope for the best, whether that always happens or not is another story.

I need to remind myself to keep that hope and optimism. The past month has been a bit of a struggle with trying to find a new job since I left my old one. Some say I should have found a new one before I left the old, but that's just not how it happened and I think that was for the best. God has used this time that I haven't been working for a lot of good things and I'm so grateful for that! I've been able to spend more time with my older sister and strengthen our relationship as well as be around my baby niece! I love her so much and it's been so exciting watching her grow up! More importantly though, God has taken full advantage of this time to grow me more and more in Him. Afterall, He knew ahead of time this time was coming for me and dare I say He planned it this way?? I think I do! I can honestly say that I'm not the same person I was when I graduated college or even started my first job out of school. The Lord has taught me so much about Himself, and myself, since then. It's been a lot to swallow, but absolutely wonderful. I've always had a hard time understanding His love for me and that it's something that will never go away. I don't feel good enough. Well, that's probably because I'm not good enough, but that's the point. I haven't been able to get around that fact and it has held me back for far to long. Enough is enough. God's love for me has nothing to do with me, other than the amazing truth that He has chosen me to be the undeserving object of that grace-abounding love. I think I'm starting to understand this (as much as possible anyways) and just accept it rather than fight it. And to be honest, just accepting this has freed me up a lot! I am so happy right now and I haven't been able to say that in a really long time. I am content with where I am! Yes, I look forward to things to come (job, new apartment, etc.) but I'm overjoyed at what He's doing in my life right now. He has brought new people in my life whom have challenged me in the deepest parts of my faith and that has been so refreshing. God has brought me those people in the strangest of ways, but I'm learning more and more that, that is often how He operates. Thank you Lord for your unexpected blessings!

So, even though I can't find a job and the finances will run dry eventually, I must remember to keep my eyes on the Lord and look heavenward. It's the most wonderful time of the year right now and I'm happy! I'm not going to let the aforementioned things distract me from where God has so graciously placed me.

Bring on the snow!

Oh Autumn..where are you?

Inside I'm chilly and crisp and perfectly content sitting with my Pumpkin Spice drink listening to jazz and soothing music before it was tainted with vulgar beats and lyrics. But outside it is warm. Yes, it is October but it is over 70 degrees outside. Oh autumn, where are you? Sometimes I think if I do everything that is supposed to be done in the fall, the weather will inevitably follow. Ah, such a naiive thought right? Fall is my favorite time of year! The leaves are changing color and it is absolutely beautiful. People have pumpkins and broomsticks on their front porch. There are signs out for haunted houses and "Trails of Terror." Come on Mother Nature, what are you waiting for?

Only God could make such beauty out of death. The earth is more-or-less dying in this season but for some reason I feel so rejuvenated. I love the crisp fall days complete with apple cider and earth tone scarves. It's a family tradition to attend the Covered Bridge Festival every third weekend in October. However, this year we have baby Ella in the house so Tabitha and Rusty won't be going. Rachel will be out of town as well so my usually CBF buddies will not be in attendance. So I'm thinking I won't go. We'll definitely miss the warm sweet biscuits and apple butter but supposedly there is a place in Indy we can get them! Anyways, the Festival is a measure of Fall for me. It says, "I'm here! Fall has officially started ladies in gentlemen; pull on your jackets!" I'll have to find a new way to get that message this year. Maybe it will come when the weather finally stays in the 50's rather than jumping back and forth between fall and the dead heat of summer.

Have any of you been to Brown County, Indiana? If not...please go. Now! This fall! It is the most beautiful part of Indiana and I dare say one of the most beautiful places in the Midwest. I'm planning a weekend there with a friend sometimes in November. However, I am in need of a quaint, splendid and affordable B&B or lodge of sorts for our weekend there. Any tips? Send them my way if you have any.

I'm off to search....

Pictures of Ella!

As promised, here are some wonderful pictures of baby Ella! They're in the reverse order of how I wante them, but that's just how they came out! Oh well...all the same! Isn't she gorgeous! She's the most precious baby I've ever seen! Enjoy... more to come. Now that I'm an aunt, this blog will be full of pictures of her! She is a very fiesty little girl, that's for sure! She has slept a lot when we've been there but as Bita said, if she doesn't like something, she lets you know right away! She makes really funny faces, as I mentioned before and she kind of sleeps with one eye open..haha. I was holding her as she was falling asleep and you could tell she was so tired but fighting it and she had one eye closed but kept the other one on me, it was hilarious. She likes to look around and see what's going on too. So here's to our curious little girl...who I never want to grow up!

She's here!!!

I'm an aunt!!!!!! I will definitely right more later and post pictures, but my little neice was born at 2:48 this morning and she's gorgeous!! She weighed 7lbs 9oz and was 20 inches long! Her name is..... Ellayna Kathleen Holt. Perfect. We will call her Ella for short though. My name for her is Ella Kate. It suits her! She has the cutest expressions already, no one can tell me it's just gas! She likes to stick her tongue out and her little wrinkled face is adorable. We think her nose looks like Rachel's when she was born. Well.. I'm off to "Blitzkreig" (spelling?) the house now as Laura called it! Praise God for this beautiful healthy little girl! Tabitha and Rusty are both great but understandably exhausted after 12 hours of labor!

Thank you Lord for bringing her here!!!!

thoughts of a random wonderer

When I was growing up I spent most of my time with my sisters and our neighborhood friends. In the fall we collected buck-eyes from the trees in the neighborhood and loaded them into paper grocery bags. Fall was the host to the annual buck-eye wars. Our two separate teams took turns sacrificing fellow team members to race down the slide, hoping to avoid welts bye buck-eyes. My mom would clap loudly 5 times at our bedroom window, signaling the end of the war (for me and Rachel at least) and the beginning of an inevitably fantastic dinner. Ah, the simple life.

I remember the smells coming home from school, whining over not-so difficult homework, and finishing putting up the Christmas tree in the time my mom spent on the phone with her sister. Life was slower then.

At what point did it start speeding up and at what point will it slow down again? …At least to a point where I don’t feel as if I am tripping over my own feet.

I was on the phone with my mom this morning and she was wondering why some of her siblings in Holland don’t call her more. She said, “People are so busy these days that they forget the really important things in life” (like family). My mom is wise and I think she’s right. The worst part of busyness is that it becomes a god in our lives. We hand over priority to the demands of the calendar and the deadlines. I might be wrong, but I don’t think this is how God intended it. I’m convicted as I write this because I know I am not exempt from my above accusation. I blame work for making me so tired I don’t have time for devotions but have no problem crashing on the couch and watching a little “Psych.” I forget to call friends who I know could use a phone call. We, I, have allowed the world to set our watches and the tics and the tock’s only remind us of how little time we have. What a shame.

At this point, someone much wiser and more eloquent would propose a way in which to rectify such a problem. However, I am not wiser or more eloquent so I must default to a call to action that is probably not all that bad. We, I, have to let God back into our lives. I’m pretty sure He understands being busy (although it really does not phase Him…praise God!!) He created the world which seems like a daunting task for a days work. That alone is sufficient for me. Oh and there’s the whole thing about Christ dying for me so I don’t have to worry about all the busy.

I don’t even really have a conclusion for all of this … much less a solution. Just a bunch of random thoughts of a wonderer.

Hide and Seek

I'm surprised I remembered my username and password to log onto this thing...I thought I had not posted since I graduated, but to my correction, I have--just as distant as month ago. It's the Eve of Independence Day and I must say that is more than appropriate. Several houses in our neighborhood are setting off fireworks and the house across the street makes for a pretty good show. However, I think Lucy (our kitty) is scared because she's hiding under my bed.

So I'm done with training now...that's news. I've been in the office for 3 days and am praying for sanity. I'm having to remind myself that I did attend college, successfully, and am competent because I do not feel it right now. It's just a lot to take in, a bit overwhelming. However, this is where God wants me, that I know and just because it's difficult and a challenge does not mean it's not worthwhile. It's an incredible opportunity to be there, doing what I do...for however long or short I do it.

And that's what I've been thinking about a lot lately: where I am going to end up. I have so many things colliding in my head of places I want to travel to, places I want to live, and things I want to do. I don't want to look back on my life when I have white hair and am 5 inches shorter regretting what I never sought out but always longed for. Does that make sense? I want to live in a couple of big cities, desperately. I want to experience the deep city life and live like this for 2 years maybe. I was thinking New York and Boston. Those were the only 2 that came to mind anyways. And honestly, what better time to do this than when I'm young and relatively unattached? I would want to find someone to go with me though. As fun as it would be to go off totally on my one, I'd want to have someone around who really knew me. And during those 2 years I wouldn't want to get myself into a career-like job but something fun and romantic like working in a hole-in-the-wall bookstore or a cute little coffee house. Maybe I just watch too many movies. Maybe no one's lives are actually like that. But I can't deny this desire to pursue these things and how it could be an awesome ministry. My only hindrance is leaving my family...especially with a niece on the way (although this wouldn't be happening until well after she was born and at least a year old).

And lastly.....dance. I want to dance so badly!! Even if it were just taking classes! That is one thing I have always wished to do. I wish I could have been in dance when I was little. The only time I really danced was during my 4 years in high school with winterguard, and then one in-school dance class during those years. I absolutely loved it. I love performing and just feel so alive when I dance. I'm not talking trashy dance or even the different styles of hip-hop. As fun as it would be to do hip-hop every now and then, I really love jazz, lyrical jazz, and contemporary. Religiously watching 'So You Think You Can Dance' has not helped but only encouraged this.

These are all things I'll be praying about. Maybe God's will for my life does not include these things, maybe they do. All I know is that my heart desires more than what I've experienced. And on top of that I don't want to settle (I'm not now...just saying, over time.). Anyhow... my eyelids are just barely open so I should call it a night.

sarah in real life

Yes, the title of this post is a play off of the movie title "Dan in Real Life." However, Dane Cook is not my brother nor do me and a sibling have a common love interest!

Speaking of interest, my life has definitely taken a interesting change in the last 2 weeks! After 2 weeks of not-so-much-going-on, I started my first job as a real adult. I've been in training as a family case manager for 2 weeks now and I can't believe it has only been that long! It seems as if I have been there for a month already. Training is definitely exhausting as I am in "class" basically for 7.5 hours a day learning about....everything really. Thankfully this past week was a lot of review of topics I studied in my last couple of semesters. It was helpful to go over them all again though, especially in this new context.

If you know me or are around me I can fill in any details of my world at work so I won't bother including them here. But I can say that everything is just happening so fast! I've a graduate for aabout a month now (wow..that was the first time I realized it was a month ago!) and it just feels so strange. Life comes at ya fast I guess. And right now it is all in a period of transition...trying to find my place at home, work, and church. It's especially different at church because I'm really the only on my age there. There are a couple of others but they won't be around much this summer and still have a little bit of school left. I have really enjoyed being in my sister's life group (my life group??) but am wondering if it's the right place to be. I don't want them to feel like they aren't having their "own thing" anymore or move in on the security and cohesiveness already existing in the group.

Anyways, just some things I'll just have to work through I guess. Looking forward to it!

i wish i had a time machine

I wish I had a time machine. Why? Because one year ago today I was in Peru. Peru, South America that is... not the Peru in Indiana. And I cannot believe it was a year ago. I miss it so much! As exciting as this summer will be in transition, I have a feeling it will be a very difficult one as well. I spent most of May 2007 in Peru and then June-August in New Orleans. It sound silly, but I forget what summer is supposed to be like here! I can't stop thinking about my Peruvian friends, including Katie who practically is Peruvian anyways. What are they doing? How can I be praying for them? Are they well? Are they walking with the Lord? So many questions left unanswered. It's hard to be away because Peru felt so much like home. I was not home-sick (sadly, a familiar thing when at college at times) and was definitely not ready to go back to American soil when our plane tickets said we had to. I made a Peruvian-dinner for my family the other night and it was the first time I ate it with people who were not in Peru with me. Again, this seems silly I know but it really hit me. Life is moving fast and I'm told it only picks up speed from here. In some ways, that is great, in others....utterly terrifying.

When it comes to the "anniversary" of when I got to New Orleans, I'm sure those months will be just as difficult. I haven't seen most of them since, even though I regularly keep in touch with most of them. They were my family for 10 weeks and I miss them dearly. Thankfully I'll see some of them at Sarah's wedding in July, but it will be different.

I know these were parts of my life I have to remember fondly, look to for the lessons I learned and more or less move on. I'm fine with change for the most part. I just don't like leaving people behind.

post pomp, post circumstance

It happened. Graduation happened and I can hardly believe it! I have about 2 weeks until I start my new job and it seems like life is just moving so fast! Part of that is scary is but so exciting at the same time. I've heard it said that even though it seems like this is a new "era" of our lives, when I look back these years will more so blend in with those I spent in college. That's a bit depressing to hear just because this seems like a whole new part of my life. And it is but maybe not as much as I think it is. Regardless, I'm pretty excited to see where I end up next. Between now and starting work (and hopefully beyond that) I plan on doing a lot of reading... for fun! Oh how I have missed novels! I even went to the library today and picked out a couple...which was not easy! I wanted to take them all home to read! I thought about starting from the A's and just going through all of them; however, I figured that would take forever and I should just decide to pick out ones I know I'd like and go from there. I love to read and have really missed getting lost in the stories for the past 4 years (so I have read some on breaks, etc..but who am I kidding? I was in college, my textbooks were my novels, sometimes not even then).

Also, I am very excited to be getting involved in my home church more. I absolutely love the family I have there and deisre to serve them better. I went to my first "official" life group with Bita and Rusty last night. I have gone to a lot of their life group activities but last night was the first time I was there on a regular night, participating in the discussion of Sunday's service. It was great! It was so awesome having that fellowship with other young people and to reflect on the Word. I can't wait for more times like this and only hope that those who were not there last night will welcome me just as much.

I have a lot more on my mind I could write but it would not make sense nor be very organized. So we'll stop there for today.

pomp and circumstance

Pomp and Circumstance has been around since 1901. That's a long time for a graduation-exit piece of music although I'm sure it was not used as such for its tenure. Regardless of any of that, my life will soon be graced by pomp and circumstance (or a hymn perhaps?). Graduation is in 3 days and I can hardly believe it! I had my last final at 8:00 this morning and left an hour later with a huge smile on my face. I'm done. I am finally done with college! It's sort of unbelievable. I mean, it went incredibly fast but at the same time I have lived within the walls of this campus for 4 years and that is a pretty big deal. I don't know what to expect at 12:00 Saturday, officially an IWU alumni. That fear-filled lack of expectation is the same filling that sends electricity through me at the same time. I am excited beyond words. I cannot wait to discover what more is out there and where God will be taking me next. I have absolutely no idea what is happening after Saturday but I am happy nonetheless. I don't even have a job lined up, not because of a lack of searching by any means; I just suppose it is not God's timing yet. There are so many things that lay ahead...

Past graduates (oxymoron?) have said the biggest struggle and change to deal with post-graduation is loneliness. That surprised me in a way but it makes sense. However, I wonder how that will be different for me. I can recall several times when I was truly lonely while at IWU. So many times when companionship was far away and all I could do was be quietly with the Lord (okay, sometimes not quietly..sometimes loud sobs!). Maybe its naive of me to think I won't be lonely but I am just really looking forward to change. I love the people here and will miss my friends dearly but I can't wait to learn new stories and meet new faces.

There's a pretty big world out there.

Just another quick post...

I've always loved and appreciated art. Love it. If there was one thing I could be good/better at it would be art in all it's forms (painting, drawing, graphic design, sculpting, photography, etc.). Well, I've been playing around with photography a lot over the years and was really excited when I got a new camera for Christmas. It has more options for shutter speed and the like so I was anxious to use it. I've used it a lot since and produced some pictures I'm proud of. Now, I know the picture you see here may not be award-winning but I am proud of it! I took it Tuesday I believe. I was sitting on the couch under the window in my room. The picture is of some flowers I have laying on my window-sill and next to it is a small glass of water, the bubbles visible.

America for Granted

Chapel convicted me on Wednesday. A girl spoke, a senior as well, who has only been in America for three years. She grew up in Nigeria and became a Christian at a young age, literally hiding it under a blanket from her Hindu family. As she grew more in her faith with help of the principal of her Christian school, Leena's desire to go to America grew stronger. At only 7 or 8 years old she knew she wanted to go to the U.S. As she got older and started thinking about college, she knew she wanted to move to Ameria but her parents refused it. "You can move anywhere else; you can go to Australia or England but not America." Leena continued to pray, knowing God was calling her to the States. Then a miracle happened. One monring, her dad woke her up and said he would let her go to college in America and would go with her to get her settled. Amazing! A heart of stone began to turn. Leena found about about Indiana Wesleyan (where I attend) through her principal who had a son attending there. She had heard about it previously from someone on a bus in London! Of all places to hear of small IWU!

Anyways, Leena was accepted to IWU and came in the fall of 2005. God has really worked in her life since then and in her family's life. There were two parts of her story that really moved me however. She has been faithfully praying for her family's salvation for 9 years and has just recently begun seeing God answering those prayers with her father and sister. Do I have that kind of committment? I haven't prayed that long for one person, or persons... ever and I feel so ashamed of that. I have people I want to pray for, for that long but I don't. And there is no good reason. No, no reason. Secondly, Leena commented on one of the first things she recognized when coming to America, Indiana nonetheless, in the friendly Midwest. She was excited to be here and be able to go to church for the first time, read her Bible openly, etc--all things we take for granted, among other things. Now, having been here only 3 years she is starting to notice how she takes these things for granted as well. My thought: look what we have done to her!! Hearing her talk, the Lord radiates from her and you can see His love through her, but being in America has tainted her, weakened appreciation and fervor. What is it about our culture and society that has this effect? Why are we do quick to ignore what some fight so hard to keep?

These are all things I've heard before and have been grateful for but rarely taken deep to heart. something about Leena's story though moved me in a different way. I felt with her and nearly cried in happiness for her. Lord, I do not want to become calloused. I do not want to forget what I'm so thankful to have. I do take for granted the comforts you have provided for me. Forgive me Lord...it is not what I want to do.

Everlasting

I've been realizing lately how easy it is for Satan to attack me. When you are not building up defenses it is pretty easy to break down the borders. With the chaos of my life swirling around me, I have settled for mediocrity in my faith. I'm ashamed even as I write this because it is not the desire of my heart. I desire so much more. I know I am made for more. Sometimes it's as if I am just waiting for my life to start, which will be as soon as I walk across that stage in three weeks. What a lie. That's probably one of the biggest lies we can be fed. God has plans for me right now, in this environment and I'm blind to them.

As I sit here now, I'm listening to worship music and craving the Lord so much! I was talking to a friend today and she was saying how much the Lord is working in her life right now. She has seen how He has been pursuing her and growing her in her faith. Amazing! I praise God for that but am also a bit jealous. Jealous because I'm not doing all I can to run hard after the One who I call my God. Life has gotten in the way. Homework and the play have taken precidence. And even friends. These are all good things but not what I should be placing absolute and ultimate priority on. My life wedge is growing dull. Coming in as a freshman, we were taught about our life wedge and challenged to think what was at that tip? What is driving us breaking into all other surfaces of our life? As students we joke about the life wedge and thus World Changers also (you just have to be at my university for that to make sense, I am NOT knocking people who are world changers).

I look forward to every day after today where I can start over and live with a faith that is on fire and passionate. One where I am striving to put the Lord before all else--tasks, activities and people. I'll mess up from time to time but vow to get back up again. "Your will above all else, my purpose remains. The art of losing myself in bringing you praise. Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades. Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame. My heart and my soul, I give you control...consume me from the inside out, Lord. Let justice and praise become my embrace to love you from the inside out!!"

I choose

Life throws you curve balls and you're supposed to knock them out of the park. Got lemons? Make lemonade. I'm an optimist, I really am. But I won't lie that sometimes its hard to see the forest from the trees. We have these cliches and they're supposed to make you feel better when all they really do is remind you of where you are, or where you are not. Life is happening so fast. I feel like it was just yesterday when Rachel and I were playing at the park behind our house and hearing Mom clap five times through our bedroom window, signaling that it was time to come inside. Now I'm 22 (it is still weird saying that) and sometimes wishing Mom would still clap to call me in for the night. Because it was simple, predictable, and safe.

I know I'm just going through a rough time right now. Not all my days to come will be marked with wondering and confusion, this I know. For anyone who may have stumbled upon reading this, particulary those who do not know me, please know that I am a happy person. I love life, I love my life and it takes surprising little to make me happy. I am just asking a lot of questions right now. I suppose my life is not where I thought it would be. Yeah, I knew I'd still be in finishing college at this point, things are just different. Tabitha met Rusty in college, they dated and were engaged by the time she was 21... and if this was 2002, she'd be getting married in 4 months. I guess I just thought things would happen for me in the same way. I've always looked up to her, admired her and tried to be everything she is. I suppose (what is synonym for this word?!) I was waiting for her path to happen to me. Again, don't get me wrong. I'm not pining after the love of my life, wondering where he is. More just thinking through things and wondering what will mark my life. What will people remember about me? What will be my legacy?

But, today, what remains of it and the tomorrow's to come, I chose to put on a smile, pick myself up by my boot straps (although I'm wearing flats) and take what comes my way. Life is too short to forget the good things. Sure, I'll ponder the greater questions of life, putting my intellect to the test, but I need to, I have to, choose to do it with a smile on my face.

Bare with me for this one

I have about 1000 other things I could be doing tonight, but I decided this night was going to be for me. Graduation is closing in and its scary to think of all the things I need to get done, but a girl's gotta have a little time to her self! Do a little blogging, searching for new templates and basically wasting time! But right now, I'm happy about that (and the prospect of an early bed time!).

So even though I'm writing now as an escape from everything else in my planner, I am still a slave to it. My mind is constantly running with all the things I have going on I suppose I just need a forum right now to vent about it a little bit. I think my biggest anxiety right now is waiting to hear back from the job I interviewed with. I'm graduating. I need a job. Simple as that but at the same time so complex. I hate this waiting game sometimes. Okay, that was probably a little lie, I hate it most of the time. This job, whichever one I end up getting is my first big step into "real" adulthood. No one's here to hold my hand anymore. For the past 16 years I have been in the education system and sooner or later, someone always tells you what to do next. It never fails. Buzzer.. times up. Now I get the joy and the responsibility (burden?) of taking those next steps on my own. Don't get me wrong! I'm excited for this newfound independence! I plan on embracing it, but that does not mean I am going to hide the fact that I am, well.. apprehensive. Not only is there the whole job thing but transfering to my own insurance, consolidating student loans, etc. These are all things I am anxious to get going on but then remember that I am still a student. I still have to go to ADC330 in the morning. I get to go. I'm oddly cherishing these final classes. I dislike the fact that I still have work to do for them (that senioritis set in months ago), but at the same time I know these are my final college classes..at least for awhile.

There's so much more to say but I don't want to end up whining. Because really I'm not. I'm not upset. In fact I am very content. I know God has me in this place, as chaotic as it can be, for a reason. In His timing I will hear back from this job. In His timing the little shattered pieces of my life will fall into place. But until then, I am content. I chose to be content. I will wait.

Its Brand New

Somewhere between the end of my junior year in college and now I became very busy and distracted that I completely forgot about my blog. In fact, when I was trying to remember my username and password, I couldn't! So here's to starting over and making something brand new... which I am not totally sold on yet. But right now it's 2:35 in the morning and I cannot look at this any longer! I promise to return!