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Life throws you curve balls and you're supposed to knock them out of the park. Got lemons? Make lemonade. I'm an optimist, I really am. But I won't lie that sometimes its hard to see the forest from the trees. We have these cliches and they're supposed to make you feel better when all they really do is remind you of where you are, or where you are not. Life is happening so fast. I feel like it was just yesterday when Rachel and I were playing at the park behind our house and hearing Mom clap five times through our bedroom window, signaling that it was time to come inside. Now I'm 22 (it is still weird saying that) and sometimes wishing Mom would still clap to call me in for the night. Because it was simple, predictable, and safe.
I know I'm just going through a rough time right now. Not all my days to come will be marked with wondering and confusion, this I know. For anyone who may have stumbled upon reading this, particulary those who do not know me, please know that I am a happy person. I love life, I love my life and it takes surprising little to make me happy. I am just asking a lot of questions right now. I suppose my life is not where I thought it would be. Yeah, I knew I'd still be in finishing college at this point, things are just different. Tabitha met Rusty in college, they dated and were engaged by the time she was 21... and if this was 2002, she'd be getting married in 4 months. I guess I just thought things would happen for me in the same way. I've always looked up to her, admired her and tried to be everything she is. I suppose (what is synonym for this word?!) I was waiting for her path to happen to me. Again, don't get me wrong. I'm not pining after the love of my life, wondering where he is. More just thinking through things and wondering what will mark my life. What will people remember about me? What will be my legacy?
But, today, what remains of it and the tomorrow's to come, I chose to put on a smile, pick myself up by my boot straps (although I'm wearing flats) and take what comes my way. Life is too short to forget the good things. Sure, I'll ponder the greater questions of life, putting my intellect to the test, but I need to, I have to, choose to do it with a smile on my face.
I have about 1000 other things I could be doing tonight, but I decided this night was going to be for me. Graduation is closing in and its scary to think of all the things I need to get done, but a girl's gotta have a little time to her self! Do a little blogging, searching for new templates and basically wasting time! But right now, I'm happy about that (and the prospect of an early bed time!).
So even though I'm writing now as an escape from everything else in my planner, I am still a slave to it. My mind is constantly running with all the things I have going on I suppose I just need a forum right now to vent about it a little bit. I think my biggest anxiety right now is waiting to hear back from the job I interviewed with. I'm graduating. I need a job. Simple as that but at the same time so complex. I hate this waiting game sometimes. Okay, that was probably a little lie, I hate it most of the time. This job, whichever one I end up getting is my first big step into "real" adulthood. No one's here to hold my hand anymore. For the past 16 years I have been in the education system and sooner or later, someone always tells you what to do next. It never fails. Buzzer.. times up. Now I get the joy and the responsibility (burden?) of taking those next steps on my own. Don't get me wrong! I'm excited for this newfound independence! I plan on embracing it, but that does not mean I am going to hide the fact that I am, well.. apprehensive. Not only is there the whole job thing but transfering to my own insurance, consolidating student loans, etc. These are all things I am anxious to get going on but then remember that I am still a student. I still have to go to ADC330 in the morning. I get to go. I'm oddly cherishing these final classes. I dislike the fact that I still have work to do for them (that senioritis set in months ago), but at the same time I know these are my final college classes..at least for awhile.
There's so much more to say but I don't want to end up whining. Because really I'm not. I'm not upset. In fact I am very content. I know God has me in this place, as chaotic as it can be, for a reason. In His timing I will hear back from this job. In His timing the little shattered pieces of my life will fall into place. But until then, I am content. I chose to be content. I will wait.
Somewhere between the end of my junior year in college and now I became very busy and distracted that I completely forgot about my blog. In fact, when I was trying to remember my username and password, I couldn't! So here's to starting over and making something brand new... which I am not totally sold on yet. But right now it's 2:35 in the morning and I cannot look at this any longer! I promise to return!
