commitment issues

For all intent and purposes, the title of this post really only has to do with this first mini-paragraph. My name is Sarah and I (think) I have commitment issues.... to this blog. I think that's pretty bad; it's like having a commitment issue to myself. My intentions to post are good, the time I allow myself to do so are a different story. (For those of you wondering why I keep posting about not posting and are instead thinking why doesn't she she post? Well..that's a good question and the very one that might get me out of my slump! That, and the hope that my computer will be fixed and signing on will be exciting once more rather than a 30-minute process.)
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We've started a new Sunday School class at church called "Living your Life as a Beautiful Offering." It's geared towards women specifically and is taught by Angela Thomas as a DVD series. Today was week 2 but already I'm falling in love with the message (based off of the Sermon on the Mount found in Matthew 5). I guess the point of it all though is to fall back in love with my Saviour. Or grow in love really. I hate to admit it, but I've been in a slump. A slump of desperately wanting to spend time with the Lord and feeling Him call me to do so, but choosing to do other things instead. What's really difficult is that when I'm with other believers, I'm excited and passionate about the Word and wanting to talk about Christ! Then, when it's time to live it and do it on my own.... I'm dragging my feet. Why this dichotomy? If I know I'm in it can't I just pull myself out of it? It sounds so simple but has been anything but.

Today's "lesson" (I don't like to call it a lesson because that makes it sound less than what it is really, but for lack of a better word...) was pulled from Matthew 5: 6 which reads, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled." Fantastic! This is great news! But what do I do if I'm not hungering and thirsting for righteousness, for the Lord, but achingly want to be? This is the very question that was posed in the series. To my relief an answer was provided. I'm usually not one for "steps" and what she offered weren't so much steps as they were points of guidance, applicable and real. The one which resonated with me the most was that if we're at that point, we just need to "drag ourselves into (Christ's) presence anyways." Wow! This week I can actually pin-point instances when I tried to distract myself from the Lord's obvious tug on my heart! My excuse: It's late, I'm tired, I really just need to sleep. Proverbs 13:4 says, "The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully blessed. " I'm incredibly humbled as I write this. As often as I hope more than 4 people read my blog, I'm secretly hoping I have an empty following, because then not as many people would read what has actually been going on in my heart recently. But faith isn't to be hidden. I need mine to come out from hiding. God doesn't call me to a lukewarm relationship with him. He has so much more for me, I can't be satisfied with a simple taste.

"....Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above"